In an unexpected and hurried deal, Ooof! Bong! has been bought by Edelman, the NYC-based PR juggernaut, for just under 2 billion dollars.
“Well, money is pretend and meaningless at a certain point,” CEO Torp Fotrlmk said, “And we’re very committed to insinuating out client’s desires into every possible conversation so that all information is rendered suspect and all people wrung into cynical, enraged, and apathetic husks who cannot possibly discern when or how they are being manipulated because they are being manipulated by us or corporations like us everywhere all at once. Ooof! Bong! is a really exciting new avenue to actively promote generalized nihilism and work against the good of everyone for the sake of shareholders who might need a third or fourth infinity pool on their third or fourth ultrayacht. What’s that? Yes, an ultayacht is bigger than a megayacht. It can fly and do loop-de-loops. Yes, you can swim in an infinite pool while it does the loop-de-loops. Ultrayachts have the best physics.”
The founder of Ooof! Bong! issued the following statement about the deal:
“Hey gang! It’s me. Of Bung! I’m so happy now. You are in such good hands with EDELMAN. They are very nice. Money! It is good. :) Did you buy a Nissan car today? I did. Two Nissan cars. A 2023 Nissan Qashcai and a 2023 Nissan Kicks. They are both Scarlet Ember color. They have Nissan Intelligent Mobility technology. I drove them to go see Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Amongst Thieves. It was so good. You would not expect it. I bought many tickets. I was able to see it many times. It is a good time. I like it and you will like it. Go see it. Go see it. We will review it. The review will tell you that it seems not good but is actually good. You will feel smarter for liking something that seems dumb because we told you. You will keep your standards low but they will feel high! We will justify it for you. You will like it. And feel so smart. Do not ask for more. Do not expect better. There is no better. Dungeons and Dragons! Remember! Fun! We are so happy now. Money! Please like and subscribe! Tell your friends! Bye! It’s me! I love you.”
In an unusual follow-up issued minutes later, the founder of Ooof! Bong! added:
“Succession. Adam Sandler. Yellowjackets. Love is Blind. Donald Trump. Republicans. Elon Musk. Boy Genius. Russia. Biden. Russia. Succession. Yellowjackets. Hoseok. Unprecedented. Now more than ever. Ukraine. You won’t believe. Liberals. Succession. Fillers. Ranked. Every everything ranked. Murder Mystery 2. Ranked. Tetris. You need. Adam Driver. You want. Conservatives. ChatGPT. AI. John Wick. Yellowjackets. Donnie Yen. Can’t believe. So important. Twitter. Ozempic. Anti-influencer discourse. Incredible. Wrestlemania. Influencer discourse. Interesting. It’s interesting. So interesting.”
Unnamed sources wearing Bottega Veneta Platform Ankle Boots and Liberal Youth Ministry Trousers said, while buying a Hailey Beiber Strawberry Glaze Smoothie at Erewhon, that “Edelman really wants to preserve the editorial voice of Ooof! Bong! and have trained an AI on previous posts, so it’s going to be a seamless transition. We’ve also hired a toddler with an aggresively malfunctioning toy camera to take over photography duties. Needless to say, the pictures accompanying the posts are going to improve substantively.”
Regarding what readers can look forward to in the future, Edelman said that “Of course we’ll start with a low-effort April Fool’s Joke. The fun thing about April Fool’s jokes is that you can do an advertisement, but it looks ironic. It’s also funny in that way where you don’t laugh or even smile, but it stimulates people to think “This is funny” and release a little dopamine only because it is not actively harrowing in the way that so much is. Like, you can publish something under the guise of mocking it, but it works the same as promoting it. So, people think that it’s just a nice little joke, but it’s just PR under another name! And no one begrudges it! Greed is back, remember, but it has to be greed that looks unavoidable.
“Content creators get a very interesting pass to sell all the way out to questionable services, unnecessary products, and even great car manufacturers like Nissan because it seems like that’s the only way they’ll be able to keep a roof over their head. It’s a total scam. There are other ways to make a living other than becoming a functionary for the shady profits of those who already have far more than they could ever reasonably need. But judging people for doing problematic things is worse than doing problematic things! Sacrificing your ethical and political ideals should be condemned - but life is hard! Get paid! You’re right, it is kind of incredible how we’ve managed to turn well-meaning efforts, creative endeavors, earnest pursuits, harmless holidays, language as a whole, and the entire public sphere into a ravenous cesspit that subtly and perpetually erodes whatever goodness, independent thought, ambition, and hope lies in the hearts and souls of everyone.”
“And after that really hilarious April Fool’s post we’ll actually just be following the existing, very detailed content release schedule for the next 4 years. Yeah, we were surprised too. It seems so ad hoc, like, really random - but everything is orchestrated even down to the pop culture references no one gets, the compound adjectives strung together for no reason, and those horrible philosophy names that crop up every once in while. It’s an incredibly detailed Excel file. Color-coded and everything.”
At the time of writing, interview requests with Ooof! Bong!’s founder have been ignored - but rumors have it that if you stand at the corner of St-Catherine and St-Laurent, outside the empty and abandoned Belle Province, you can hear a disembodied voice screaming “How would we mock PR strategies without seeming involved in a PR strategy? How does one write in good faith? How can readers assume good faith? What even is good faith? None of this is or can be meaningful! We have to change how we live! There has to be some kind of hope! Everything is awful, but we might be able to make it less awful! Sort of! But how? Is blogging the way? Nissan is such a safe and caring car company.”
We stopped listening to these frantic screams because, for real, who has time for all that when you could be taking to your 2023 redesigned Nissan Leaf for a relaxing drive into absurbdly congested highway traffic? Don’t have a Nissan Leaf? Well, enter IsntItTerribleThatThereIsNoWayToKnowWhetherThisPostWasActuallyFundedByNissan20 at checkout to receive 20% off. Offer valid only for a limited time at The Institute of Thrillology during select License to Thrill Sales Events.
WTF!?
You’re right, it is kind of incredible how we’ve managed to turn well-meaning efforts, creative endeavors, earnest pursuits, harmless holidays, language as a whole, and the entire public sphere into a ravenous cesspit that subtly and perpetually erodes whatever goodness, independent thought, ambition, and hope lies in the hearts and souls of everyone.”
But, about those "harmless holidays"... you're still getting me a present for Administrative Professionals' Day on April 26th right, I heard the new Nissan has a great vibe.